Lately, I've been going through a tumultuous, emotional roller coaster ride in regards to family, love, life, career and pretty much everything else in my life. I've lost my focus and my drive. The reason: No clue. I am now on an mission to find myself again and completely come to self and be 100% comfortable in my skin.
At 28, nearing my 29th birthday, I still find myself in my-so-called "chaos." Everything that I thought that would be planned out and should go according to plan decided all at once to jump ship and scatter in which way.
I so desperately want that calm, content love. That "We are destined for each other," "I love you no matter what," & "I take you as you are" type of love. No drama, no fighting, no misunderstanding, no deeply hurt feelings. I am tired of it. So now the question is: Am I doing everything that is necessary to make sure that I have that?? Answer: Yes and no. I indulge myself and when I do, I notice that nothing good comes from it. The gossiping, needless shopping, over-eating. All frivolous little dirty things that is at the base of all the rot, the drama.
I realized that my happiness is greatly tied to my relationship and how I am doing in that relationship. I find happiness, contentment, joy and hope with my significant other. When it's bad its spread to all the other areas in my life. Contentment in work never equate to contentment in my relationship for me but when I am feeling good in my relationship life couldn't be better. This dependency is also what scares me and make me do things that are uncharacteristic of me. Do things to prove to myself that I am not dependent on this relationship which in turn is toxic to my relationship and actually goes against what I want.
At 25, I decided to take the initiative to fix my credit and financial standing. At 28, I am now in good credit standing, own some stock, have alternative savings account. Three long years to reach that point.
My flaws: Over analyzing, closed mindedness, acceptance.
My qualities: effort, quick realization, well intentioned.
What I want for myself when I turn 29:
a) Job
b) Happy and harmonious relationship
c) Stable living situation
How to get there?
a) Work on myself and address my personality flaws: the nagging, the anger, the getting-worked-up-over-little-things, bringing up the past (in negative ways), the drinking.
b) Get a journal.
c) Get a good self-help book.
d) Stop procrastinating and work on important things.
Attainable in a months time?? We shall see and I will update soon. My apology for being gone for so long but this is the reason why. Wish me luck.
